We clearly spend a lot of time and energy with and on other people. A key theme of this newsletter in steady state will be how to do this effectively. Before diving into the how, I think it's helpful to take a step back and feel good about the why behind investing in this aspect of our lives. Why do we invest tons of time and energy with and on other people?
I danced around this topic in earlier posts. In my first essay, I examine how communities can enable us to explore things we wouldn't be able to explore on our own. But the focus was too narrow. It led to some conversations where some of you shared that there's more to it.
I'm giving it another go. Likely this is still missing key concepts. If you think of something not covered, please hit reply or leave a comment to share your ideas with me.
In the moment
First, let's dive into the feelings we experience when we're with other people.
Embracing the present is a core tenet of mindfulness. I initially dove into mindfulness years ago. Subsequently, I'd dismissed any content on mindfulness that I encountered as "already know, not interested." Gradually, in this way, I lost touch with the practice. These past few weeks, I've been rediscovering the benefits of mindfulness. Maybe you, like me, are in need of a mindfulness renaissance, too.
In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle writes "Time is an illusion" and "The eternal present is the space within which your whole life unfolds."
Spending time with others provides us, in the moment, with joy. I've been working my way through Science of Well-being on Coursera. The course recommends savoring as a tactic to thwart hedonic adaptation and cultivate well-being. Two of the recommended ways to savor involve other people.
Savor by experiencing the moment with someone, for example going on a walk with a friend
Savor by telling someone about a joyful moment afterwards
Because people are so interactive, spending time with others and living in those moments may be more joyful than spending time alone. We do something and we get a response. I say something, and you respond. I give you a hug and you hug back. An environment filled with people is richly dynamic. People move at human-speed, in a way that machines and mountains do not.
In the long run
The joy we feel in the moment when we're with other people is likely connected to the fact that having connections was linked to survival. Our hunter gatherer ancestors couldn't easily survive on the plains or in the forests by themselves. Early humans banded into tribes to fend off predators and to compete with other tribes and species for scarce resources. Social structures were an evolutionary adaptation that enabled homo sapiens to win the game (for now).
Because being part of a tribe made such a difference for survival, our bodies have evolved to actually feel loneliness as physical pain. Loneliness triggers a stress response, flooding our bloodstream with cortisol, epinephrine, etc. In our brains, emotional pain lights up the same regions as physical pain . A research study showed that Tylenol, typically used for physical pain, could be used to alleviate social pain.
We're no longer fending for our lives in the wilderness, thankfully. But social support is still relevant, perhaps as relevant as ever, in our current epoch. Change is a constant. Building communities is a critical part of how we build resilience in the face of change.
For the mundane aspects of life, it's useful to know your neighbors. I've benefited from friends who've helped me water my plants and bring in packages and mail, allowing me to travel stress-free. While this may not seem existential, the difference between having this kind of social support and not having it is the absence or presence of hundreds of moments of stress and anxiety.
On a darker note, if you're living by yourself, as so many adults now do (see The rise of living alone: how one-person households are becoming increasingly common around the world), it could be helpful to have friends, neighbors, or coworkers that check up on you periodically, to make sure you're ok.
Life is full of curveballs. Nurturing a community is one way to shore up resilience for when someone gets sick or for dealing with a disappointment at work or in your romantic life. It's in these moments when you might need a shoulder to cry on, or something more serious like a place to live or a loan. In these moments, we draw on our strongest relationships. We hope to never need this type of support, but life is full of the unexpected.
On a brighter note, the people in our lives can give us the courage to pursue our dreams. Writing down and sharing these ideas was a dream of mine. I'm benefiting from the support of all of you who are reading and giving me feedback. When I get even just one reply or comment, it brightens my day and keeps me motivated to write the next article. It doesn't take much.
The meaning of life
I used to think the meaning of life was a big mystery. Or that there wasn't one. I went through an existential phase in my mid twenties. Who knows, I might go through another one. But for now, the mystery is solved, case closed.
Life is not about happiness. Life is about meaning. You can derive meaning from lots of things: beauty, inner peace, love. But when lots of people are surveyed tracing these feelings of meaning to their root, we find that meaning is really about helping one another. When I first read this (though I can't remember where), it really resonated and brought a lot of my actions and desires into sharper focus.
To genuinely help someone requires seeing and understanding them. To be able to help requires acquiring knowledge and resources. To feel like you've helped someone is to hear that from them in return.
So, the last reason I have for you for why we spend so much time investing in our relationships: we're living out life's purpose.
I want to hear from you
For you personally, why do you spend the time you spend with other people? How do you determine how much time to invest? When do you feel like you're investing too much?
Next up
Why do we encounter so much resistance to investing in community (e.g. taking chunks of time out of our busy schedules)? I'll revisit reciprocity with the lens of attachment theory.
"Life is not about happiness. Life is about meaning." I saw the points that you have been brought to life in your essays, this is one of them. Very nice!
I have been studied the Bible with my friends for two years because I want to find the meaning of life and have a happy life, maybe I find the answer that it is God, his great love lets me understand this world. I want you to discuss the importance of faith in daily life, thank you, and have a good day.