Have you ever thought to yourself, “That’s a cool activity! If only I knew someone who’d do this with me”? For me, these moments are usually tied to hobbies that I don’t share with my partner. This is most of my hobbies because I have a lot of hobbies. The list includes yoga, running, sourdough bread making, houseplant care and propagation, home improvement, house hunting, and traveling. (Yes, my partner doesn’t enjoy traveling.) Even for activities that I enjoy doing alone, like ceramics, I get very excited when I meet people that share the interest.
Admittedly, much of this is aggravated by social media. I see people out in the world and it inspires (or guilts / creates FOMO, if I’m being cynical) me to want to do things. Maybe it’s a beautiful misty shoreline only accessible after 5 days of backpacking. Maybe it’s a part of the developing world that looks unique and unfamiliar. Maybe it’s something that just takes a ton of investment and gets interesting after the 1000th hour, like advanced yoga. Not knowing if other people would want to do these things with me leads to a feeling of disconnection. It’s often perception, rather than reality. I don’t actually ask anyone if they’d be interested. Regardless, it leads to a feeling of loneliness.
(Just a note that what I’m describing here is community associated with interests and activities. There are many other forms of community and belonging… a topic for a future essay!)
Despite being an incredibly prevalent phenomenon, loneliness is still often stigmatized. It’s hard to admit that you might need other people. We live in an individualistic era and needing others can be seen as a sign of weakness. There’s an underlying concern that if we’re lonely, maybe it’s our fault or maybe others will perceive it to be our fault.
Many great articles have been written on the impact of loneliness on health outcomes. I’ve pulled some quotes from a couple sources to give you a sense.
Loneliness Is Harmful to Our Nation's Health by Claire Pomeroy for Scientific American:
Loneliness has been estimated to shorten a person’s life by 15 years, equivalent in impact to being obese or smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
Good genes are nice, but joy is better by Liz Mineo for the Harvard Gazette:
Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.
Though loneliness has such a profound impact, it’s not widely discussed. The stigma surrounding loneliness is similar to the stigma that surrounded depression a couple decades ago. Though people need help, they may not feel comfortable admitting it.
One coping mechanism is to become more self sufficient. Many motivational articles focus on becoming more comfortable in our own skin. While this is important and can enable us to better participate in community, I want to focus on something a little different.
I want to normalize feeling lonely by unpacking the reasons we may want company. By taking a step back and seeing that our hopes and expectations for companionship are actually entirely reasonable, I hope we can reach a place of loving acceptance for our needs.
On an individual level, why might we want to do things with others rather than alone?
Courage and safety. For some activities, it’s good to be in groups. While I admire people who travel to foreign countries by themselves, there’s safety in numbers. In a group, someone is more likely to know the language. At least one person is likely to have an ATM card or cellphone that works. If someone sprains an ankle or gets hurt, someone else can find help.
Sharing our joy with others. Our enjoyment of something is increased when we can share it with others. I do many things purely or mostly to connect with others. I may derive joy from the act of connecting, rather than the activity itself. We watch popular TV shows so we can share in the references and memes. The mountain peak feels like more of an achievement when you can turn to someone and say “we did it!” And we visit our parents because we love them and want to deepen our relationships with them.
Achieving a deeper understanding. Some experiences are complex and we need others to help us achieve mastery or comprehension. For example, for running, it’s helpful to discuss technique and equipment with others. How do you deal with holding your phone while you’re running? I’m feeling some pain, what could be causing that? At some point, the right person to discuss these issues with is a professional. I don’t mean to discourage that, but sometimes we don’t know what sort of professional we need or what words to Google. In another example, when I’m reading a book, it’s helpful to turn to someone to discuss alternative interpretations and confusing passages. Or if I’m sampling a new bottle of wine, I may ask “what flavors did you experience?”
Briefly, I want to share that the wrong way for me to fix this is to go to my partner and say “you have to become just as good at yoga as me so we can do these activities together.” If I did this, my needs would become a huge burden on others, leading to resentment. This would damage my relationships and ultimately reinforce a society that tells us we shouldn’t be lonely. That’s not the desired outcome. The desired outcome is that, armed with this self awareness, we’ll find the motivation we need to go out and seek our people. We need that motivation, too! Creating community takes investment.
I’ll leave you now, likely with more questions than answers. I hope you’re excited to explore this topic further!
I want to hear from you
What did I miss? My list isn’t exhaustive. When do you feel lonely or want to do things with others? What are some very understandable underlying reasons for that loneliness? Leave a comment!
Can I interview you? If some of these themes resonated, and you have 15-20 min for a call in the next few days, I would love to discuss themes for my next essay! If you’re seeing this in your email, you can just hit reply.
Becoming a better writer. One of the hardest parts of putting out this first essay was coming up with a catchy title. The current title is decidedly un-catchy. If you have tips for naming things, I would love some pointers. (And general feedback!)
Next up / essay ideas - Are any of these particularly exciting for you?
Murthy’s framework for three types of loneliness, why you and I might feel lonely in different ways, how “diagnosing” this right can help us use the appropriate interventions
Why it’s hard to schedule get togethers, ideas for fixing scheduling
Why we expect so much from our employers/careers and spouses/partners, why this is a problem, and how we could fix it through… you guessed it: community!
Hey Emily!
Can you dive deeper on the role of partnership in the framework of dealing with loneliness? How should I help my significant other find the support, emotional nourishment, and companionship they need? What is my role in providing those things and what must come from the outside?