About 3 years ago, I discovered Vivek Murthy’s article Work and the Loneliness Epidemic (thanks Winston!). In this article, the former surgeon general of the US declared Loneliness an “epidemic” and made it the focus of his career. This resonated with me. It resonated because I sometimes felt lonely and disconnected. And it resonated because I could see that these feelings of loneliness, of not always feeling seen or not always feeling belonging, put stress on other aspects of my life. For many problems, in fact, it seemed like loneliness had the potential to be the root cause.
Earlier this year, Murthy released a book called Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World. In this book, he introduced a useful framework for describing connection. When our desire for connection goes unfulfilled, that’s loneliness. So this framework for connection is also a framework for describing the types of loneliness we might feel.
Given the stigma associated with loneliness, I didn’t often talk about it directly with other people. I therefore didn’t have a good sense of whether people I was connected to even felt lonely, much less why or how often. From observing a handful of people closely (my partner, a few friends, and family), it was clear that we didn’t all experience loneliness in the same ways. From my previous post, you’re probably getting the sense that I’m more often lonely in an activity-based doing-things kind of way. You, on the other hand, might feel lonely in more existential ways, or might feel lonely because you recently ended a relationship with a significant other.
The framework explains this by describing three types of connection. These types exist on a continuum and can be overlapping. There may be a single person with whom you connect in all three ways. But bucketing is still useful for helping to understand the complete range.
Intimate or emotional connection - This type of connection describes the close bonds we form with typically only a few people at a time. We feel emotionally validated in these relationships. They’re people you might hug or kiss. These people are also our close confidantes. In these relationships, we feel accepted even for our deepest, darkest secrets. Because of this, these relationships enable us to test the waters on ideas and feelings that might be less socially acceptable.
Relational or social connection - This type of connection describes the bonds we have with friends, coworkers, and neighbors. These bonds fulfill our need for friendship, companionship, and support. They’re people we connect with over shared interests. They’re people with whom we celebrate the holidays and achievements, and who we turn to when we need help with petsitting or a career transition.
Collective connection - This type of connection describes how we feel toward entities that we don’t know personally. This may be everyone working for your employer, everyone living in your city or country, all the people in the world, all living creatures, the planet, God, and the universe. It is our desire for a sense of purpose.
Distinguishing these types of connection can help us understand why your experience of loneliness may feel so different from mine or someone else’s. One person might be in a supportive marriage but feel lonely for social connections, while another person might feel connected emotionally and socially but feel like they lack purpose.
All three types of connection are extremely important. Also, the bonds you form in one area can grow and change over time into another.
The Middle Layer
My writing will focus primarily on the middle layer: social connections.
Social connections are where, a few years ago, I felt the most disconnected. Armed with a fancy college degree and having read up on topics like urban planning and climate change, I had a sense of purpose. There were problems in this world I could help solve and wanted to solve. Reading the Sidewalk Labs newsletter and the New Yorker on a weekly basis and working a 9-to-5 job at a tech company helped me to experience a continued connection to the collective. And while I didn’t always have my love life figured out, for the most part I was in a stable relationship with a significant other.
But I didn’t really have much in between. I was, in fact, rich in family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors, but I didn’t know how to engage and invest in this middle layer. It was like I was camping in the woods, sitting in a clearing with lots of firewood and kindling. I was feeling cold but I didn’t know how to light the fire and keep it burning.
After I started investing more in this middle layer, I saw that it actually took pressure off of my most intimate relationships, enabling those relationships to flourish in ways they hadn’t been able to previously. It also helped me feel even more connected to my sense of purpose because I could take more creative risks and there were names and faces that I was invested in that I could connect to that purpose.
I want to hear from you
Is this framework complete? What’s missing?
Is this framework applicable to you? Where do you think you need to invest more?
Does my focus on The Middle Layer resonate? Why or why not?
If you know of good resources for any of the layers, please share them in the comments!
Next up
Components of The Middle Layer: work, neighbors, friends, and family. Why do we and should we invest in these relationships?
Careers and partners. How investing in The Middle Layer can take pressure off these aspects of your life.
Exemplary communities e.g. religions of the world, burning man, co-living, and summer camp. Some of these communities have thrived for millennia. Why? What can we emulate?
Whoa - just came across this, and I didn't remember sending you that article. Apparently I was just passing along a recommendation from Rachel!
Hey Emily!
Thanks again for your thoughtful posts. I too feel like my middle layer is in need of some investment, and I found your comment on the potential benefits to intimate relationships insightful.
This is likely be an entire thesis unto itself, but can you dive a little deeper on how the middle layer has reformed itself in the wake of COVID-19?